In last week’s blog post, we talked about the importance of setting effective boundaries in our relationships and gave you some general tips for setting boundaries in various types of relationships. This week, we’re going to give you a specific tool to help you do just that. The DBT skill “DEARMAN” can be extremely helpful when it comes to saying no or expressing your needs. Let’s take a closer look at how this skill works!
Before You Begin: Identify Your Goal
The first step in using the “DEARMAN” skill is to identify your goal. What do you want to achieve by saying no or expressing your needs? What is your intention in this interaction? This sounds easy, but when you aren’t used to 
setting boundaries in a relationship or acknowledging your own needs it can be challenging. Spend some time thinking about your goal and be as specific as possible.
Once you have a clear goal in mind, it’s time to move on to the next step.
DEAR: What You Say
The first part of the DEARMAN skill is all about what specifically you can say. This is your chance to be direct, assertive, and clear about what you need or what you are saying no to.
D: Describe The Situation
The first thing you do is describe the situation that is leading you to say “no” or to ask for something.
When you are describing the situation, it’s important to be as clear and factual as possible. Remember, your goal is to communicate your needs in a way that can be heard and understood.
Sometimes it may help here to think, “What can’t this other person argue with about the facts of the situation?” You may even be stating the obvious here. But this is a couple of quick factual statements that paint the picture of the situation you are responding to.
E: Express Your Feelings
After you have described the situation, it’s time to express your feelings. This is an important part of setting a boundary because it allows the other person to understand how the situation is affecting you. When expressing your feelings, be as specific as possible.
This is your chance to say how you are feeling. What your emotional response is to the situation above. Again, this shouldn’t be something the other person can really argue with. However, they may be thinking that they wouldn’t have the same emotional response to the situation or they may be uncomfortable with your emotions. Yet, these are your emotions and you get to have them.
A: Assert or Ask for What You Need
After you have described the situation and expressed your feelings, it’s time to assert or ask for what you need. This is where you get specific about what you want from this interaction.
Remember, your goal is to be clear and concise when asking for what you need. The more specific you can be, the better.
For example, if you are saying “no” to something, you might say something like, “I can’t help this time.” If you are asking for something, you might say something like, “Can we move the meeting to another time?”
R: Reinforce or Reward the Other Person
The final part of what you say when initially setting the boundary is to reinforce or reward the other person. This may sound strange, but it’s actually an important part of setting a boundary in a way that is effective and respectful.
When you reinforce or reward the other person, you are acknowledging their efforts (even if they haven’t done anything yet) and giving them something to work towards.
For example, you might say something like, “I know you are trying to help and I appreciate that. Thank you.” Or say, “I really enjoy spending time together and really want to find another way that we can work together.”
MAN: How You Say It
Once you have decided what to say, it’s time to focus on how you say it. The “MAN” part of the skill is something you can’t plan out as well as as the “DEAR” portion. You can’t predetermine what you’ll say to be mindful or to negotiate. But you can have each of these things in mind as you approach the other person.
M: Be Mindful
When we’re talking about something that has emotions attached to it, it’s easy to get sucked down rabbit holes where we’re discussing a thousand other things going on in the relationship. But it’s not helpful to the goal of setting a boundary.
So, be mindful of what you are trying to accomplish and stick to that. Don’t get off topic. Keep asking for what you want or saying no. If the other person brings something else up that’s off topic, simply repeat your Ask/Assert and keep making your point.
A: Appear Confident
It’s important that you appear confident when setting a boundary. This doesn’t mean you need to be cocky or arrogant. But if you come across as wishy-washy, the other person may try to take advantage of that. So stand up straight, make eye contact, and speak in a clear voice.
N: Negotiate
The final “MAN” tip is to be prepared to negotiate. This doesn’t mean that you should always give in or try to please the other person. But it does mean that you should be open to finding a compromise that works for both of you.
For example, if you’re saying “no” to something, be prepared to offer an alternative solution. If you’re asking for something, be prepared to negotiate on the details.
DEARMAN: An Example of Saying “No”
Let’s say your boss asks you to stay late to finish a project. But you already have plans to go out with friends.
You could use the DEARMAN skill to set a boundary in this situation. Using DEARMAN here, might look something like this:
“I know the client really needs this project complete by tomorrow evening. I do already have plans for this evening.
Honestly, I’m feeling exhausted from working so intensely on this today and have been really looking forward to my plans.
I’m not going to be able to stay late this evening.
I appreciate your commitment to work life/balance and that’s part of what I love about my job.”
If you want to add a potential negotiate, you could say, “Would it work if I instead come in an hour early tomorrow? I know I’ll be feeling more refreshed after taking the night off and can still meet that client facing deadline.”
DEARMAN: An Example of Asking for Something You Need as a
Boundary
Let’s say you’re in a relationship and living with your partner. Recently, there have been several nights where they stayed out much later than you expected without letting you know.
You might use the DEARMAN skill to ask for what you need in this situation by saying something like:
“There have been a couple of times lately where you’ve unexpectedly stayed out late.
I feel disrespected when you come home several nights late and haven’t let me know what’s going on. While you’re out, it makes me worry that something happened to you. Then, after you come home I worry that you don’t care about my feelings.
I understand that sometimes things come up. In the future, I need you to please let me know if you’re going to be later than expected even if it’s just a quick text.
It would help me feel more respected and cared for. As a result, I’ll feel more trusting and relaxed when you’re out.”
Setting Boundaries Gets Easier As You Practice
Saying “no” and setting boundaries can be tough. But using the DBT skill “DEARMAN” can help make it a little bit easier. And, with practice, it will get easier and easier. So, try using DEARMAN as a framework to practice getting your needs met in your relationships.
Counseling & Therapy in the Atlanta Area
If you’re having trouble setting boundaries in your relationships and live in the Atlanta area, contact Wellview Counseling in Roswell, GA. Our therapists help people navigate relationship issues and learn more effective relationship skills every day. We would be happy to help you work on this and other challenges in your life in therapy.
To schedule an appointment with one of our counselors and begin therapy:
- Contact Wellview Counseling and learn more about our services
- Meet with one the therapists on our team
- Begin more confidently navigating the relationships in your life that matter
Other Mental Health Services at Wellview Counseling
As a team of mental health professionals, we understand that people, and relationships, are complicated. In addition to struggling with relationships you may be struggling with depression, anxiety, postpartum depression, PTSD or a range of other mental health concerns. These often make it even more difficult for you to engage fully in various relationships. At our Georgia counseling practice, our therapists offer a wide range of therapy services and can help with all of these.
In fact, our therapists are able to support the entire family. We have clinicians who specialize in treating children, teens, young adults, and older adults too. We offer in person counseling at our practice in Roswell, Georgia. However, we can see clients from anywhere in Georgia through online counseling. So, we’re here to support you and your family. Please reach out today to begin your journey toward better mental health.